Redshift
I've sent out quite a few lengthy Christmas eMails to my friends all over the world. And, fortunately, I got plenty of replies as well. It is a good way to stay in touch with more distant relatives, former classmates and acquaintances I haven't seen or heard from in a long time.
This year one theme was way more noticeable than before. People described their latest acquisitions, things they had bought or were going to buy. Either they have more money to blow than before - while always saying that there isn't enough of it - or because they need to fulfil a growing need deep within them. Or, perhaps, this is only a symptom of getting older and living a middle-aged life? I don't know and I won't ask them, either. This shopping mania is something I wish to avoid for myself and I hope that nobody else in my family falls victim to this loathsome disease.
Theme number two is everyday life. The job, the children, the house, the garden and the car. No big plans for the future, nothing spectacular or exciting, but rather the quiet kind of life in the slow lane. The fast lane guys don't have the time to write lengthy eMails anyway. I think the fast-lane guys are interesting and I enjoy talking to them very much, but it certainly is no way I would like to spend my life. And vice versa I have to assume.
All of this feels like an accelerating red shift between me and my friends or between me, a few like-minded souls and the world in general. People who belong to my subspecies are more and more hard to find or maybe it is just statistics taking their toll as we all get older. In quite a few instances my friends said that they wouldn't like to live the way Aurora Ulani, Liping & I do and sometimes I detect a hint of disapproval, as if I were being irresponsible. I get positive responses as well, of course, but they come mostly from those friends who are on similar tracks or at least wish they were.
The others don't really understand what makes me tick and I don't really understand what makes them tick. Of course, everybody agrees that one should live one's live in one's own fashion but that leaves us still with fewer and fewer topics we can talk about.
Or maybe... Maybe I am simply stuck in adolescence, at least mentally? Perhaps they have matured and they realize what's really important in life? Could be, but somehow I think that isn't it. Genetics, then? When reading a book about Captain James Cook (not his alter-ego Captain James T. Kirk) recently, I stumbled across that theory to explain his continued adventuring, even when he was already world-famous and had been offered a very respectable and cozy job in Greenwich. He simply couldn't stand life ashore and after only a few weeks he went off on his third and final voyage which brought about his death in Hawaii.
Who knows, maybe this restlessness isn't only an expression of ennui, but a real physiological need for some people. Or look at Captain Joshua Slocum. He went voyaging all his life until the age of 65 - which is when he disappeared at sea. Or Bernard Moitessier, who kept adventuring until he was 69 - and promptly died when he stopped.
All only conjecture, to be sure. The only thing we know for sure is that the majority of the people is quite content to stay where they grew up, except for a few field-trips, so to speak, and a comparatively small minority who must forever keep wandering.
I am not entirely sure whether this "Wanderlust" is a blessing or rather a curse. It's interesting, that's pretty certain, but does it lead to happiness? Captain Bligh, yet another one of my heroes, certainly wouldn't think so. And at least as far as the third voyage is concerned, Captain Cook could by no means be called a happy or content man. Anyway, I entertain more than a few doubts about this issue. What if this urge was nothing more than a special kind of OCD? No way to feel "normal" until the urge has been satisfied. And the satisfaction won't last, either.
But maybe there's hope for us maniacs yet. Hopefully one day we will have had our fill and enjoy the simple pleasures of tending to the garden, sitting at a little pond waiting for the fish to bite or in a rocking chair looking at the sunset. Maybe.....
And maybe then the redshift will slowly turn into a blueshift as we approach each other again. If there is enough time, that is.
How does Monty Python sing again? "Always look at the bright side of life..."
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
Went to see a psychiatrist today (10/19/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to see a psychiatrist today, who is of the opinion that I have a Major Depressive Disorder. He put me on 50 mg Zoloft and 10 mg Stilnox per day, told me not to stop drinking suddenly (but try to gradually reduce the daily amount) and to be patient for a month or so until the drugs to kick in.
Time for an update (11/10/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Been on that Zoloft stuff for three weeks now, but yesterday the doc changed the prescription to Dogmatil (Sulpiride). The Zoloft worked surprisingly fast and well, but the side-effects were simply too heavy. All day long I felt like I had drunk too much coffee, sleeping was only possible with Stilnox (Zolpidem), zero interest in sex and so on.
Since all the conversations had been in Chinese and I wanted to make sure that the doc really understood what was going on (and that I understood his replies, naturally :-) Liping came along to make sure of that. We had quite a little talk yesterday.
According to the psychiatrist, I will have to get used to the fact that I will have depressions for the rest of my life - but they aren't necessarily surfacing. And since there weren't any serious problems for so many years, he concluded that the added stress of having to take care of a baby is probably the main reason for my difficulties now. He also said that we should really re-consider whether it is a good idea to have a second child as that would make this period that much longer and make things much more difficult for me. Especially as I am not getting younger and as the quality of sleep also deteriorates the older one gets.
Another topic was drinking and alcohol. I have just found out that the sister of my ex-girlfriend has died because of drinking. That kind of explained why my ex was adamant that the only way to go is therapy and life-long abstinence. There are only a few problems with that.
~~~~~
www.sinorama.com.tw/en/show_issue.php3?id=200269106077e.txt&page=1
(...)
Alcoholism thus becomes the surface expression of, and behavioral escape from, the symptoms of their psychological case.
(...)
The incidence of alcoholism is about 1.5% in Asia, whereas it is as high as 25% in the West. The large difference between East and West is mainly due to the fact that there are differences among the body's enzymes that process alcohol, differences that vary with race.
(...)
Even the national health insurance program does not cover the costs of treatment for alcohol dependency.
(...)
Currently, Taiwan society offers little help to alcoholics. AA is not a compulsory organization, Taiwan has no mandatory "drying out" institutions, and there are no statistics on how many hidden alcoholics there may be.
(...)
~~~~~
AA as a quasi-religious organization is not acceptable for me and life-long abstinence is a) very hard to achieve and b) not really a very desirable goal as far as I am concerned.
The doc confirmed that there is really nothing at all available here, but he said that I may be overly anxious about the matter in any case. If I am able to reduce my drinking than I should just do that. He said that "social drinking" was acceptable and for the rest of the time I should try to stick to a maximum of two cans of beer per day.
So, after our little talk I checked out the information on "controlled drinking", the pros and cons and found all kinds of interesting information about the subject. One of the tidbits is that attitudes, even among professionals are very much determined by their cultural background. (Here we go again... :-)
~~~~~
Controlled Drinking versus Abstinence
www.peele.net/lib/cdvsabs.html
Why Do Controlled-Drinking Outcomes Vary by Investigator, by Country and by Era?
Cultural Conceptions of Relapse and Remission in Alcoholism
(...)Miller found that only in Germany among the European nations he visited, where alcoholism treatment was hospital-based and largely medically supervised, did the commitment to abstinence as the sole goal of alcoholism treatment approach the climate in America. (...)
www.peele.net/lib/cdoutcomes.html
~~~~~
Another was a link to an outfit called MM or Moderation Management, which seems to me to be a much more reasonable and evidence-based method of coping with excessive drinking. Here, abstinence is just one of the options and the focus is much more on damage-control. The big picture, so to speak.
But the best argument as far as I am concerned, seems to be this one: If you manage to stick to your plan of controlled drinking, then that's that. And if not, you at least know that a more radical approach may be required.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Depression, Anger & Alcohol (11/18/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so the story goes
Didadi, didadidadidadidadidadi
Even before I could open my mouth, the doc told me that it was time to change meds once more. Looks like the Dogmatil (Sulpiride) was only interim medication as it ain't such a good idea to switch just like that.
We were wondering whether the stuff was working at all, as I had begun gnashing my teeth again and started to act like a miserable old bastard once more. It was almost as if I wasn't taking anything whatsoever.
Soooo.... Now I am on 150mg Wellbutrin (Bupropion) per day, which will be raised to 300mg the second week. So far I have only noticed some mild side-effects (seeing shining golden "glowworms" and experiencing "earthquakes" which only exist in my head), but can't tell whether it has any effects on my mood. Time will tell.
~~~~~
I joined a few online discussion groups of www.moderation.org, especially the Abstar one and try to limit myself to two standard drinks (1 SD = one small can of beer at 5%) per day during the week. Easy when the mood and the weather are good, more difficult when not. As to the weekends, I refuse for the time being to give up my social drinking, especially as the doc is okay with it, too.
http://p196.ezboard.com/fhopsmaltyeast12305frm2.showMessage?topicID=124.topic
Christmas Eve (12/24/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am now on 450 mg Wellbutrin/Bupropion per day & it still doesn't really work - although I don't seem to be gnashing my teeth anymore. Tuesday I'll see the doc again and I guess he'll put me on yet another medication. As to the drinking... Look for "Holg" over here: http://www.moderation.org/abstar/
In general, I feel that things are going in the right direction - but they move slower than a tortoise with arthritis...
Merry Christmas everybody!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to see a psychiatrist today, who is of the opinion that I have a Major Depressive Disorder. He put me on 50 mg Zoloft and 10 mg Stilnox per day, told me not to stop drinking suddenly (but try to gradually reduce the daily amount) and to be patient for a month or so until the drugs to kick in.
Time for an update (11/10/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Been on that Zoloft stuff for three weeks now, but yesterday the doc changed the prescription to Dogmatil (Sulpiride). The Zoloft worked surprisingly fast and well, but the side-effects were simply too heavy. All day long I felt like I had drunk too much coffee, sleeping was only possible with Stilnox (Zolpidem), zero interest in sex and so on.
Since all the conversations had been in Chinese and I wanted to make sure that the doc really understood what was going on (and that I understood his replies, naturally :-) Liping came along to make sure of that. We had quite a little talk yesterday.
According to the psychiatrist, I will have to get used to the fact that I will have depressions for the rest of my life - but they aren't necessarily surfacing. And since there weren't any serious problems for so many years, he concluded that the added stress of having to take care of a baby is probably the main reason for my difficulties now. He also said that we should really re-consider whether it is a good idea to have a second child as that would make this period that much longer and make things much more difficult for me. Especially as I am not getting younger and as the quality of sleep also deteriorates the older one gets.
Another topic was drinking and alcohol. I have just found out that the sister of my ex-girlfriend has died because of drinking. That kind of explained why my ex was adamant that the only way to go is therapy and life-long abstinence. There are only a few problems with that.
~~~~~
www.sinorama.com.tw/en/show_issue.php3?id=200269106077e.txt&page=1
(...)
Alcoholism thus becomes the surface expression of, and behavioral escape from, the symptoms of their psychological case.
(...)
The incidence of alcoholism is about 1.5% in Asia, whereas it is as high as 25% in the West. The large difference between East and West is mainly due to the fact that there are differences among the body's enzymes that process alcohol, differences that vary with race.
(...)
Even the national health insurance program does not cover the costs of treatment for alcohol dependency.
(...)
Currently, Taiwan society offers little help to alcoholics. AA is not a compulsory organization, Taiwan has no mandatory "drying out" institutions, and there are no statistics on how many hidden alcoholics there may be.
(...)
~~~~~
AA as a quasi-religious organization is not acceptable for me and life-long abstinence is a) very hard to achieve and b) not really a very desirable goal as far as I am concerned.
The doc confirmed that there is really nothing at all available here, but he said that I may be overly anxious about the matter in any case. If I am able to reduce my drinking than I should just do that. He said that "social drinking" was acceptable and for the rest of the time I should try to stick to a maximum of two cans of beer per day.
So, after our little talk I checked out the information on "controlled drinking", the pros and cons and found all kinds of interesting information about the subject. One of the tidbits is that attitudes, even among professionals are very much determined by their cultural background. (Here we go again... :-)
~~~~~
Controlled Drinking versus Abstinence
www.peele.net/lib/cdvsabs.html
Why Do Controlled-Drinking Outcomes Vary by Investigator, by Country and by Era?
Cultural Conceptions of Relapse and Remission in Alcoholism
(...)Miller found that only in Germany among the European nations he visited, where alcoholism treatment was hospital-based and largely medically supervised, did the commitment to abstinence as the sole goal of alcoholism treatment approach the climate in America. (...)
www.peele.net/lib/cdoutcomes.html
~~~~~
Another was a link to an outfit called MM or Moderation Management, which seems to me to be a much more reasonable and evidence-based method of coping with excessive drinking. Here, abstinence is just one of the options and the focus is much more on damage-control. The big picture, so to speak.
But the best argument as far as I am concerned, seems to be this one: If you manage to stick to your plan of controlled drinking, then that's that. And if not, you at least know that a more radical approach may be required.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Depression, Anger & Alcohol (11/18/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so the story goes
Didadi, didadidadidadidadidadi
Even before I could open my mouth, the doc told me that it was time to change meds once more. Looks like the Dogmatil (Sulpiride) was only interim medication as it ain't such a good idea to switch just like that.
We were wondering whether the stuff was working at all, as I had begun gnashing my teeth again and started to act like a miserable old bastard once more. It was almost as if I wasn't taking anything whatsoever.
Soooo.... Now I am on 150mg Wellbutrin (Bupropion) per day, which will be raised to 300mg the second week. So far I have only noticed some mild side-effects (seeing shining golden "glowworms" and experiencing "earthquakes" which only exist in my head), but can't tell whether it has any effects on my mood. Time will tell.
~~~~~
I joined a few online discussion groups of www.moderation.org, especially the Abstar one and try to limit myself to two standard drinks (1 SD = one small can of beer at 5%) per day during the week. Easy when the mood and the weather are good, more difficult when not. As to the weekends, I refuse for the time being to give up my social drinking, especially as the doc is okay with it, too.
http://p196.ezboard.com/fhopsmaltyeast12305frm2.showMessage?topicID=124.topic
Christmas Eve (12/24/2004)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am now on 450 mg Wellbutrin/Bupropion per day & it still doesn't really work - although I don't seem to be gnashing my teeth anymore. Tuesday I'll see the doc again and I guess he'll put me on yet another medication. As to the drinking... Look for "Holg" over here: http://www.moderation.org/abstar/
In general, I feel that things are going in the right direction - but they move slower than a tortoise with arthritis...
Merry Christmas everybody!