Pain, Misery, Hardship and Suffering

I don't really know what started me thinking about this. Perhaps it was somebody who was of the opinion that there are plenty of writers that write well - but without anything meaningful to say. Or it might have been books by Orson Scott Card, which I re-read recently. And then again, it might simply have been that people I know are suffering and I wondered if that was really necessary.

When you first think about it, you are tempted to say that pain and suffering are wholly bad concepts and if only we could overcome them somehow, we'd all live in a better world. Soon, you realize that pain serves a very useful function - if there were no pain, our bodies would soon stop to function altogether since we wouldn't even know that there was a problem. So, at least in a physiological sense, pain is indeed necessary.

But what about emotional pain? What's that good for? What purpose does heartbreak or loneliness serve? The loss of a loved one? Feelings of inferiority? The list is endless. And again, most people would think that we are way better off without all these things. In many ways we act in order to avoid these unpleasant feelings and we might even be more motivated by the avoidance of pain than by a striving for pleasurable feelings.

And maybe that's where it gets interesting. Maslow's Pyramid of Needs, maybe a rather old concept, but still useful to conceptualize what I am talking about. On the lowest level, survival, just imagine somebody who has suffered from hunger, thirst, cold, or any of the other things that threaten his continuing existence. Obviously he feels pain and suffering. But might not this pain guarantee, that he will try harder to avoid being in the same situation in the future? And, moving up the pyramid, might not this "pain" do the same thing on every level of the pyramid?

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Several years ago, 1997 to be precise, I felt vaguely dissatisfied with my own life. I didn't know what I was unhappy about, I just experienced a feeling of unhappiness without being able to pinpoint where exactly it came from. We had decided to spend the summer vacation at home. The idea was that maybe we needed a real break, not work, not travel, nothing but relaxation. Maybe that would cure the problem. As luck would have it, it rained almost the entire vacation. So much so that our lawn turned into a swamp and the house got muddy inside. Instead of feeling better, I felt worse and worse. Life didn't seem to be worth living anymore. Didn't I have all the time in the world, wonderful books to read and an even more wonderful wife to cheer me up? Still, it didn't seem to be enough.

Then a friend came by and we talked about books. I confessed that it had always been my dream to write a book. He immediately seized upon the idea - not unlike a terrier, really - and didn't let go until I had promised him that I would at least give it a decent try. Which meant doing my utmost of course. Guess what? No sooner had I embarked on the project than my feelings of discontent began to evaporate and while the project took years longer than I had envisioned, it finally came to a successful conclusion a couple of years ago. But, you see... If there hadn't been any "pain" in the first place, then there wouldn't be a novel around now. There would not be that feeling of accomplishment, either. No pain, no gain.

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And when I look back upon my life and remember the times when I felt pain and suffering, I come to the conclusion that it has changed me more often than not. The miserable time in high-school and my abominable performance there has encouraged me to look for different ways to go. And to work harder at them then I otherwise would. The divorce from my first wife, painful as it was, has probably made me a better husband. Or so I hope. I am sure there are more examples, but these will have to do for now. What really concerns me, is not really my own life, as I will certainly strive to avoid hardship just like everybody else.

Maybe what prompted my thinking about all these rather unpleasant human affairs, is how the parents of my students deal with their children.

The parents had a rough time when they were young, as Taiwan then was not all that dissimilar to the Vietnam of today. Liping, for example, lived in a ramshackle hut with no toilet. Her mother was sold to her father in order to raise bride-money. Her father was captured on the fields in China and never saw his own family again. Often there was not enough food in the house. One of her brothers died while still a kid.

Now, of course, these people have children themselves and they are determined that their kids should not suffer as they did. Certainly understandable and the parents go to great lengths to ensure that this won't happen, often denying themselves in order to provide ballet-, piano-, or violin-lessons for their offspring. They go further than that and try to protect their children from ALL pain and suffering, at least as far as they can.

And this is where the whole story gets complicated. The children treat their parents little better than their personal slaves. They are not motivated to do anything, but watch TV and play computer-games. Maybe read comic-books. The rant could go on, but you get the picture.

I haven't made a graph of this, but it looks almost as if the richer and more over-protective the parents are, the worse the kids turn out. Since nobody here is truly poor, I can't tell you what a control group would look like. But I do know of a few Chinese people who were truly poor. As Liping's family was.

So when Liping left home at 15, she had to work in a factory to support herself. (Her sister left at 12 and learned her lessons on the streets.) School wasn't a problem as a scholarship took care of that. But working in a factory was such a horrible experience for her, that she vowed to get into one of the best schools or else. After the factory experience, she worked much harder than before and finally made it into a good school. Not in order to amass a fortune or impress her friends (well, maybe a little :-), but much more in order to avoid having to work in a factory for the rest of her life. Without the pain of her early life, she would not be the woman she is now.

But how can my students get similar experiences? When they constantly eat in five-star restaurants, get brought to school in a limousine, when their mobile phones are always the latest model and their phone bills dwarf those of a small-size business? Aren't they being set up for major disappointment later on when father and mother can't protect them from the realities of life anymore?

Or maybe they will turn into what sociologist Yamada Masahiro called parasite singles?

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Which reminds me of a Japanese proverb: If you love your son, don't help him.

Fortunately I still have a few years to mull these issues over, but as things stand right now, I am pretty sure that a bit of controlled hardship for my child may be better in the long run than growing up without. Not that I am overly worried that hardship, pain, suffering and misery won't crop up all of their own and without my interference.

Peace & Boat Drinks!

Holg